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See the rough draft attached below.  The paragraph needs a number of revisions.  Revise the paragraph so it uses good details (provide clarity, use examples, get rid of vague words).  Fix the grammar mistakes.  Make sure the paragraph is written appropriately for an academic audience (use 3rd person).

After you revise the paragraph, write a second paragraph that fully explains all of your changes.  Don’t just say, “I added details because the paragraph needed them”.  Why did you make each change?  Why did you do it that way?  How did the change make the paragraph better? Think about the difference between the “bad” paragraph and the “improved version.  

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